Allow me to start by thanking Daniel Abramson ’12 for the courage and initiative to host the former mini-course The Language of Ladies. For men to gather in a judgment-free forum and pool their knowledge of, and experience with, the dynamics of sexuality is invaluable. However, this type of forum is commonly misunderstood.
I agree that it is wrong for men to gather and discuss techniques and tools for manipulating women into bed. But it’s not about men discussing techniques to gain power over women and trick them into doing something they don’t want to do. To learn a more accurate picture of the focus of a forum such as The Language of Ladies, read on.
Men everywhere are baffled by sexual dynamics. For all my boys out there, you know the feeling of hanging out in a bar with your buddies, talking about how badly you want to get laid, when all of a sudden you glance around the room and make eye contact with a woman you find attractive. A woman whom you would like to walk up to, speak with and possibly take to bed. But instead of standing up and walking over, you look down, as a pang of fear fills your chest. She would never hook up with a guy like me. She’s too hot for me. What would I say, anyway?
Most don’t make it past eye contact. They procrastinate, grabbing at any excuse or reason to not talk to the woman who, as confusing as it is, they want to talk to. Some muster the courage to actually stand up and walk over. You see her, look down, then up at your buddies and contemplate whether to approach. Some friendly encouragement, a couple shots and a minute later you take a deep breath, and walk over. Oh. My. God. Oh my God. What am I going to say? The closer you get, the faster thoughts bounce left to right between the walls of your mind.
You make it over, awkwardly introduce yourself and the interaction progresses. If I stand here pretending to listen, maybe I’ll get lucky. How are things going? I need to act like a guy she would like. Am I acting enough like him? Shit, I’m probably blowing it. She’s going to realize any minute that I’m not actually the guy she would like. She’s going to see the real me.
Instead of experiencing the moment with the woman—as himself—the man projects an image of himself that he thinks the woman would be attracted to. For our slower minded readers, it’s a mask—the man thinks of the real him as not worthy enough to be with the girl he’s attracted to. Instead of approaching a woman with lack of attachment to an end (i.e. getting laid so he can think better of myself), a man will go over with the agenda of “conquering” or “subverting” the woman. And if this goal is not achieved, the man feels he has failed. He feels rejected. He feels like he cannot think better of himself because he failed to perform. What the man doesn’t realize is that even before he walks up to the woman, he has rejected himself.
Feelings of rejection perpetuate the negativity that ultimately leads to rejection, which—as vicious cycles go—leads to that needless, negative self-image. Women are not interested in men who need a woman’s validation to feel content with their lives. It is those men who feel whole in life independently of a woman’s substantiation who allure women. For these men lose themselves in their interactions with women. They tune in and listen to the woman because they are genuinely interested. They know the beauty of sharing an energy with a woman without hopes or considerations of an outcome.
Forums such as The Language of Ladies serve not as secretive manipulation schools, but rather as safe environments for men to discuss strategies to find substance in their lives. There is nothing wrong with being interested in your sexuality, despite the proverbially forbidden nature of sex. Especially if, in taking interest, men create a positive environment that enables them to internalize the essence of sexual interaction.
Now, to the question of stereotypes in the first class. The problem, again, stems from unrealistic projection. It is important to remember that the purpose of Abramson’s class was primarily aimed at familiarizing listeners with certain Asian cultural norms that differed from their own. This was not done with the intention of negatively stereotyping or degrading Asian women! This was done to empower listeners with an understanding of the fact that Asian culture is, in fact, different from their own.
A listener who learned a thing or two about Asian culture could bring a deeper sense of rapport to an interaction with an Asian woman who would appreciate his understanding and consideration for her cultural difference. The fact that Japanese women, in the general sense, tend toward shyness and generosity should not be interpreted as an offensive assertion—it’s a mere observation.
The existence of cultural differences does not render this type of discussion offensive. To take offense to a forum that illuminates an understanding of a different culture is to project negative connotations onto that forum. It is to assume, without apt consideration, an offensive tone. I urge those who felt insulted to meditate, and consider what was being accomplished that night.
Even if there were, among listeners, those who infantilized the discussion in their approach, remember—it was but the first night. Learning to drop shields and speak sincerely is not learned instantaneously, but I assure you—through this forum we, as sexual men of Vassar College, stand only to grow and mature.
Hell, there will be more sexy, confident guys on campus from which to choose! Ladies, listen up; all I hear is you complaining about the lack of guys on campus. Wouldn’t it be refreshing to meet guys who feel grounded, confident, lively and playful? Guys with swagger?
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