Full-body airport scanner intrusive and unnecessary

Don't you just love flying!? The bubbling frustration, the lack of space and privacy, not to mention the wonderment of passive aggressiveness all around you. Man I love flying! It's a brilliant experience, and one that the fine people at Heathrow Airport in London have down to a T.

As a frequent flier, I, like many out there, seek out Heathrow for the pure adventure of it. I love the fact that it feels like you're playing Russian roulette with your luggage, wondering if you will ever see it again once it's checked. I too enjoy standing in front of the screens at Terminal 5 with the crowds playing gate bingo, waiting until 25 minutes before the flight for the departure gate to finally be listed and then stampeding across the airport to it. And who doesn't enjoy the lottery that is the take-off time—will you have a 20-minute or a two-hour delay? Who knows? Ha, how exciting.

Now Heathrow, the specialists in comfort and customer service, brings us a brand-new experience: the full-body scanner. Oh, the joy! You see, on Monday, Feb. 1, Heathrow announced that it, as well as Manchester Airport, would make full-body scanners mandatory for all passengers. Yes, that's right, mandatory for all whether you covet such things as human rights and privacy or not, and whether you are naturally conservative, a five-year-old child or a woman on her period. If you refuse, these people will kindly boot you out, not letting you board the flight you so graciously overpaid for.

The ramifications are sure to be fantastic. If, like me, you have always wanted that security check experience to last just that little bit longer, don't fret, for your prayers have been answered. Finally you will see those biblically long queues you have always wished for, and, yes, the comedic gold that will ensue following the scans will just be the cherry on the cake. I will laugh away, for all eight hours that I am sure to spend waiting, at lines like, "What is that in your pants, sir?" Hah!

But even better is the confusion and constant state of panic that we will be subjected to. After all, who doesn't enjoy more racial profiling, interrogations and angry stares? Situations where every passenger is now the enemy, treated as a potential suspect instead of a citizen in need of protection. I, too, will react like my fellow quote-giving passengers, "anything for my protection" and "as long as it keeps us safe." After all, what are trivial things like my rights, morals, preferences and comfort in the face of irrational, inexcusable fear that keeps a multi-billion dollar operation running?

You see, Smiths Protection, which supplies these X-ray machines to Heathrow, was quoted in a Reuters article on Feb. 1 as saying that it expects its $800 million a year business to grow, and why wouldn't it? It's not like reason and common sense have stepped in to dull the media's and pundits' desires to fill airtime with their best selling product: fear. And it's also not like the government hasn't done its bit to increase "security," such as President Obama's administration, which has now signed off over $753 million in the new budget for full-body scanners at U.S. airports.

So, while I say that this is a despicable manipulation of grossly over-stated threats to our security that have been turned into millions of dollars at the expense of our rights, dignity and comfort, all people like Smiths and British Airport Authority, which runs Heathrow, will say is, "ka-ching!" But then again, "to-mae-to, to-mah-to," right?

In the meantime, I'll crawl back under my rock of indifference and thank everyone at Heathrow, and the like, for being so gracious as to let me pay exorbitant amounts for my ticket, my luggage, my carry-on, my food and not forgetting my drink, before falling on my knees and showing my full appreciation for them actually letting me fly at all! Thank you! Oh, thank you!