In my inner circles there is little doubt that I am the biggest sports fan the world has ever known. Here are my credentials: I am a four time—count ‘em!—winner of my local Little League’s “good attendance at practice” award; I watched almost half of the super bowl this year; and I think it might be real between me and Norwegian men’s downhill skier/total BAMF Aksel Lund Svindal.
Lund Svindal has been called a “super G” by blogger Larry S. who blogs, surely, from his mother’s couch. But the “super Gs” I’m interested in today are the titans of the court who will descend on the Vassar Athletic and Fitness Center tonight for the widely anticipated and much talked/blogged about faculty-student basketball game.
Since its controversial drop of the well-loved “Backpage with Conan O’Brien,” The Miscellany News has hoped extensive and graphically nauseating round the clock coverage of the faculty-student basketball game will draw disgruntled young readers back into the folds of the paper. It has worked so far. Everyone seems to have forgotten the whole controversy ever happened as we gather ‘round to watch Professor of Political Science/Bode Miller look-alike Steve (“Nash”) Rock show us what he’s working with.
My experience with basketball is extensive: I once attended a Golden State Warriors game with my younger brother; my freshman year roommate/BFFL was a varsity women’s basketball player; and I watched Steve James’ 1994 masterpiece Hoop Dreams three times, and Space Jam a total of four. But please don’t let my expertise intimidate you. Athletic achievement is the great American unifier and based on the images on the Vassar admissions website, a hallmark—nay, the hallmark—of a Vassar education.
Regular viewers of faculty-student athletic throw downs may be familiar with the fighting force of Team Faculty, but in case you’re not, I thought I’d take the time to list a few favored heroes we can expect to see in fine form tonight. Highlights from the lineup:
Bob Brigham: This Professor of History is MAD, but there’s nothing mutual about his brand of assured destruction.
Paul Fenouillet: Fresh out of the department of French and Francophone Studies, he’s about to send a big old coup de pied in the direction of your bout.
Mike Wood: You may have met Security Officer Wood before. Perhaps you were drunk and perhaps you were a little rude? (“Shit man, why you gotta take our keg. We’re registerrrrrrred. I’m belligerent!”) He’s back with vengeance. Watch out beer-guzzling student rule-breakers!
Tim Koechlin: Of Koechlin, said a player for the student team who spoke on the condition of anonymity, “I am literally trembling with fear at his skillz. Also, I’m afraid he’s not going to like my thesis draft.”
Teresa Garrett: Makin’ up a whopping 25% of the female contingent, this particular statistic begs for a standard deviation analysis. As in, it deviates from the standard VC male-female ratio. Am I right, ladies? Am I right?
Kiese Laymon: This man will put you on the waitlist. Interactions with this Professor of English are guaranteed to school you, whether you’re trying to beat him on the court or just trying to get into his freshman writing seminar.
Andy Davison: This Professor of Political Science wants to have a hands-on discussion of hegemony, fools!
Annabelle Jones: The queen of the ROC, Jones is back on top after the snowstorm to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase, “locked out.”
Judy Finerghty: Why you gotta live up to a stereotype, Coach Finerghty? Just because you’re an Irish-American woman doesn’t mean you have to grow up and become a basketball player.
Quincy Mills: This Professor of History and Africana Studies may have taken Barack Obama’s constitutional law course at the University of Chicago, but Mills brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “supreme the court.”
Chris Roellke: Also known as “the punisher,” The Wesleyan Argus has called the Dean of the College, “A monumental affirmation of human dignity.”
These Apollonian masters represent only a taste of the talent that will surely be unleashed on VC’s own Mount Olympus: the Athletics and Fitness Center. I will see you there, Conan fans!
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