I am a creature of habit. I do yoga every morning, eat goat cheese at every meal, yell about the patriarchy as often as I can and for the past two years I've faithfully and hungover-ly sat down every Saturday to write the Weekly Calendar. If you've been reading the Humor & Satire section for any length of time, you'll have noticed that there's an eerily similar formula from week to week, (In some circles they refer to this as "unbridled laziness" or "self-plagiarism.") Here, in honor of my 45th ohmyfuckingchristIcan'tbelievetheystillletmedothis Weekly Calendar: How to write your very own.
Thursday
3 p.m. Tea. Introduce the theme. It should be topical and relevant but surprising; nobody wants to read "How all Sophomores Are Self-Righteous D-Bags" or "Why the Deece Can Fellate Me." Like, we know. Rose Parlor.
Friday
3 p.m. Tea. The first real listing should be short and simple enough that freshmen/ prospies/ lobotomy patients who don't understand that Tea should all be read in a row even though it's February and you've done the same frickin' thing for the last 44 issues, do. Rose Parlor.
7 p.m. Sports Game. Sports. Sports place.
Saturday
8 p.m. Symposium/Band Concert/Play. It's always good etiquette to publicize the events of people you're hooking up with. Rocky 200.
10 p.m. Night Owls Concert. Less so to advertise your own events, but you've got to scrape up a few perks where you can in this thankless godforsaken position. Rocky 300.
Sunday
10 a.m. Catholic Mass. Nothing ever happens on Sundays (besides your own life-ending hangover). Chapel.
3 p.m. Orchestra Concert. So milk these lame events for all they're worth. Skinner.
5 p.m. Your Life-Ending Hangover. Or if there's really no programming at all, write something totally self-referential that the student body can both relate to and pity you for. Your TH.
Monday
3 p.m. Tea. Mondays are generally bad for events too, so make sure this Tea listing is unnecessarily long and lengthy and wordy in order to take up enough space and room and lines that the Editor-in-Chief doesn't yell at you for totally dicking over layout. Rose Parlor.
Tuesday
3 p.m. Tea. You're starting to run out of steam here, so fall back on a foolproof trope or two. Veganism, Cappy's addiction to beige and the collective obesity of the senior class are always okay bets. Maybe you're just over the hill*, though. Rose Parlor.
*THE CATHARINE BOND HILL OH SHIT SHE STILL GOT IT.**
**Footnotes are a good way to take up space too.
5 p.m. Lecture by a Lesbian, Haitian, Paraplegic AIDS Victim. A member of VHP or something, who clearly has never touched a copy of the Misc ever, will have emailed asking you to publicize this event. There is no way to make it funny. Sanders Auditorium.
10 p.m. Trivia Night. Question # A Number: Got an idea for a column that you're too lazy to write? Make it into a rhetorical question, stick it here and you're good to go! Mug.
Wednesday
3 p.m. Tea. This one should be the real kicker. If it's before a break, write something heartfelt about how even though Vassar is a fleabag with an attitude problem, you love it anyway. If not, it's the best place to slip in a "fuck" or two because the copy editors don't care enough to read past Monday. Rose Parlor.
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