Humor & Satire | A visit to Vassar: One high schooler’s journey

Dear Senior Year Diary,

OHMYGOD, I just spent the most amazing weekend at Vassar. It's definitely my dream school, and I just submitted my Early Decision application yesterday. My application essay entailed a detailed narrative about my time at Fall Open House and how that one time I used "homosocial" as a word for hangman under the category "Words That Aren't On Spell Check." See? I just belong here.

After returning home from Vassar, I bought a pack of American Spirits and indulged in thrift shopping. The cigarettes taste kind of gross, but I think they totally enhance my writing abilities. Also, my mother told me the sweater that I bought at the thrift store looks like Lupus, but I was like, "Whatever, mom. You're just jealous because you went to state school."

I just feel so misunderstood in my hometown, Diary. People don't understand my concerns. Like, the other day at the gas station my friend just expected her boyfriend to open all the doors for her, and I got so angry that I started yelling "STOP ABUSING YOUR GENDER NORMATIVE PRIVILEGES" at the top of my lungs. Everyone in the gas station stared blankly at me. I think the guy behind the counter almost called the cops, but the real crime here is that people are passively accepting these social constructs. UGH. Awkwardly, I walked to the counter, requested a bag of organic, free-trade Doritos and left before I got really emotional about the inherent binarization of public restrooms. I don't think I can stand being here anymore.

Anyways, during Fall Open House, I stayed with Drew, this sophomore in Joss. Word on the street and Collegeprowler says it's the party dorm. (!) We went to this ironic-Pilgrim-and-Native-American-themed party down the hall, and they had something called "Jungle Juice." I figured since it's just juice I'd drink a few cups of it, but then I started feeling funny and almost tried to take my pants off. Later that night, some girl wearing a fringed poncho that she told me cost more than my house offered me what seemed like a drug cigarette. Now, I was a little nervous about trying this drug cigarette, but after a few hits I felt lightheaded and really wanted a sundae with banana, whipped cream, chocolate, bacon and pieces of lettuce. Is this what a drug cigarette does to you, Diary?

After a few cans of some beverage called PBR, we left for this mysterious place called the "TAs." I was not really sure what any of those letters stood for, but it was exciting walking along the dark path with a large group of people!@Like a real-life horror movie! All I remember from that party was that someone spilled beer on my Birkenstocks, and then I was swallowed into the crowd. My glasses fogged up for a minute, and I thought those were the last few minutes of my life. Thankfully, Drew dragged me away.

Then, we went to Baccio's (I'm not really sure how to spell it) for some pizza after hours. On our way back through campus to Bachio's, I saw the longest suspending branch that I've seen on the tours! It was tempting to not climb this tree and also to not urinate on it.

Going to Bauchio's, I met what people referred to as "biddies." They seemed really nice and just had a certain...energy to them. When I get to Vassar, I want to become the BEST BIDDY EVER. After eating Boughchio's, I ended up falling asleep in the Joss multi-purpose room on top of the ping pong table. Oops! I woke up the next morning with a really bad headache and glitter all over my clothing. When my mother asked why I looked like shit, I just told her I spent the day working at Wimpfheimer—look how much I know already! Driving away from Vassar was painful, but I yearn to return next year to the Vassar bubble. Please accept me, Vassar!

Thanks for being a pal, Diary,

Arick

P.S. What even is a hipster?