Let’s leave last week in the past and dive into something new! This week, I’d like to contemplate fatherhood, or rather the idea that I’m biologically capable of becoming a father at any second. It really sends me for a loop. I’m used to everyone my age having relatively similar life experiences. Regardless of race, gender, wealth etc., we’ve all pretty much been through the drooling and the schooling and find ourselves at something of a common ground. I understand that we’re currently in the launching pad years and our experiences will see some serious variety, but to think that someone made it to the age of 18-22 and has a child while I’ve made it to age 18-22 and still am a child is trippy stuff! I’m so curious to see if Vassar would set me up in some luxurious family apartment. If that is the case, I might have to give this some serious consideration.
I actually really want to be a dad...someday, but I don’t have an image of how kids fit into the plan yet. I’ll be 20 this year. That gives me eight or nine years before I’m out of eggs. If I want kids, I have to hurry! But seriously, I don’t want to be an old dad. I know some kids have older parents, and it seems to work out very nicely. There’s financial stability and a certain sophistication that comes from having parents the age of my grandparents, but I really like my young parents. Maybe that’s just because that’s what I’m used to.
And here I am, thinking way too hard about starting a family when I don’t even have a boyfriend! That’s probably step one. Step two might involve circumventing the limits of biology, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. The moral of the story is that I need to be mega-rich by the time I’m 28, and then I can have a baby. And if I’m not mega-rich by the time I’m 35, it looks like the Gilburne name ends with me because I sure as hell am not having kids after I’m 35. These are my golden years we’re talking about, and I’m not willing to give them up for the sake of some brat. (Yeah, I know I have a younger brother so the Gilburne name dies with him if it dies at all, but that really sucks the drama out of the situation.)
So, now I’m 28, happily married or partnered or whatever the government is letting us do these days. I’m really rich. I’m chauffeured in a flying car to the space station that I own and attend to whatever business is responsible for my riches (this is not something I’m picky about, but I fancy myself a successful and ambitious black market arms dealer). Hopefully we’ve made first contact by now, and I either smuggle advanced alien technology, or I’m an ambassador from the galactic union of Earth and our fledgling colonies on Jupiter (it was really a very difficult project to colonize Jupiter, considering it’s a gas giant and all.) Sorry, I’ve probably lost you by now. Let’s recap. I’m rich, married, and I’m gonna have a baby!
It seems like everything is in place, but really it’s only beginning. I’m going to want to raise the baby Jewish and honor my heritage and have it Bar/Bat Mitzvah-ed, but who knows what my husband will want. Will he even be human? I figure if I’m going to be working so closely with aliens I should show them that my intentions are pure by marrying one of their own, right? So, it looks like I’m shacking up with E.T. But will my galactic lover feel the same way I do? What if aliens are anti-Semitic? What if my baby is an atheist? Oh shit! I’m an atheist, but my mom would kill me if my kid isn’t Bar/Bat Mitzvah-ed.
Now, if you think this Bar/Bat business is getting tedious, you’re not alone. But this is the issue that I’ve really been dreading. Do I want a boy or a girl? I know you’re not supposed to have a preference, but I think I might. I think I want a boy, and I know he’ll be raised in the future, but what if it’s not easy for him to have two daddies and all of the other space-kids make fun of him? I don’t want that. But I think it would be so fun to raise a kind, smart, sensitive young boy who plays sports and likes girls and all of those other boy things but has that special twist that can only come from having me as a parent. Of course, with a girl her life would be glitz and sparkles and unicorns, but a girl would be too easy, and isn’t parenthood supposed to be a fulfilling yet frustrating challenge?
Shit! What if my alien baby doesn’t have gender at all? All this talk of boys, girls, and neuter alien babies makes me realize what a strong hold gender has on our conception of almost everything. It also makes me hungry.
Okay, Now I’ve confused myself. Time for another recap. I’m rich, married, Jewish and I have a baby. I’ve decided he’s a boy. I can’t help it; I want one, and it happens to be the natural biological result of the fertilization ritual I have engaged in with my alien lover. This is the future; anything is possible! Now what? Of course he’ll be getting a private education, but where? Will he board on Earth, or go to one of those snobby academies on the rings of Saturn? Will he live at home? Will we move to a suburban space colony because the schools are better there? But wouldn’t that affect MY life? I need to be close to a metropolitan space station for my job. We may be rich, but I’m young, and I have my whole career ahead of me, and it’s just not something I’m willing to give up.
As you can see, family planning has its unique and stimulating challenges, and after really thinking it over seriously, despite it all, I think I’m ready to be Dad today! Bring it on, universe!
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