Humor & Satire | This second-semester senior’s Vassar bucket list

My senior year is almost over. I am less than three months from a terrifying future of unemployment, living in a tenement in Brooklyn with eight other liberal-arts graduates to a bedroom, surrounded by albino rodents and using shredded pages of Foucault as toilet paper.

While I can't wait to really get out there and sink my teeth into a career (as a part-time stripper and full-time starver) there are a few things still on my "Vassar Bucket List." Hopefully the next few months will afford me ample opportunity to live out my dreams!!

Be in a Stage Production

During my time here it has been impossible to avoid theater. Around every corner is an attention-seeking drama major trying to hide the fact that they used to be a weirdo who cried while listening to the "Wicked" soundtrack and wore an Avril-Lavigne-inspired tie/wife-beater combo all through middle school by talking really loud about HOW MUCH WORK THEY HAVE and TECH WEEK and ALL THE SEX THEY'RE HAVING. I mean, the rest of us do that too, but minus the part about "tech week." (Is that even a real thing?)

These pests have kept me away from the theater, but I really do wish to make my mark on the stage before graduation. I wanted to be in "Hair" but apparently sending them pictures of me French braiding my pubic hair wasn't what they were expecting for an audition, so that was a no-go. I'm currently working on a script that revolves around themes of Judaism, childhood and the McDonald's dollar menu that I'm hoping to put up in the Shiva one of these weekends.

Sneak onto the Roof of Main

Because I don't respect rules and I think gravity is a construct and I'm wild and throw caution to the wind and FUCK SECURITY and I want to see the stars and feel like I am a goddess amongst womyn and I'm on PCP.

Talk to my Crush

I've had my eye on this guy since freshman year. He is beautiful and dreamy and perfect and I want more than anything to be with him. I talked to him once last year but I have resolved to try it again. Hopefully this time it doesn't end with him making out with his serious boyfriend in front of me while I cry during Intro to Sociology.

Go to Storm King

I respect art.

Start a Micro-Controversy

We all have fond memories of controversies past: the thwarted Davison Luau, the laptop thief, the butt-toucher, that guy who stole $2 million. I would love to do something so memorable. I want to piss off as many people as possible. I have a moleskin notebook where I jot down possible ideas but as of yet the list just reads, "menstruate into the Retreat chili."

Channel Matthew Vassar's Ghost

I've put this one off for three years because I'm really afraid that he was secretly a racist and will say things that will make me uncomfortable, but I think I'm finally ready to summon the founder's spirit. I would love to chat with him about his life and legacy. After our seance I would teleport with him to Half Time where we would pick out a micro-brew of his choice and then play beer pong outside of my TH.