Clash of the Titans has clashes, no titans

"Release the Kraken!"

So brays Liam Neeson, spittle flying, in the trailer for Clash of the Titans. You know what I'm talking about: Advertisements for this onscreen brouhaha have been airing on TV for God knows how long, and in almost every single commercial, Neeson shouts those three magical words. They segue into a clip of Sam Worthington flying around on a black Pegasus, dodging the flailing tentacles of the gargantuan computer-generated sea monster in question. The Kraken rears its gnarled crack baby head, gives Worthington and the Pegasus a death glare, then opens its mouth and lets ‘er rip: "rooaaaaaaaaaarrrr!"
Look the word "badass" up in Merriam-Webster. There will be a link to the Youtube video of this trailer.

People asked me what movie I was going to see this weekend. I looked them dead in the eye, growled "Release the Kraken!" and then made claws with my hands and roared. They responded with a knowing smile and a nod, and then they asked me to let them know how the movie is. Well, I've done gone and seen the darned thing, and to them I say: It kind of sucks.

Clash of the Titans isn't worth the price of admission. If you are shallow like me, you'll eat up every mindless action scene with more relish than a Famous Nathan's Hot Dog (I've been working on my analogies; Can you tell?). But even though the film dishes out the promised Kraken/Pegasus showdown and many other mythic fights with gusto, it doesn't change the fact that everything is totally half-baked. And I mean everything: From the editing to the narrative, from the premise to the dialogue, any imaginable aspect of Clash of the Titans is handled with a lack of finesse.

The movie's handling of the Greek mythos is awkward to begin with, which is a shame because the movie makes a serious attempt to stay true to the legends. There is even a God-awful voiceover to kick the movie off, giving viewers the DL on the gods and goddesses most should already be familiar with from Disney's Hercules.

Then begins the story of Perseus (Worthington), a fisherman who, through a series of unfortunate events, discovers that he is actually a demigod fathered by Zeus (Liam Neeson). The basic shakedown is that Perseus has to prevent an impending Kraken attack on the city of Argos by wasting Medusa, the infamous snake-haired lady whose gaze can turn men to stone.

The movie's attempt to stay true to these Greek roots is admirable, sure. Not too many movies delve into the backstory of Medusa, for example. She is not just a monster, as is the popular belief, but a victim of a horrible rape who is cursed by Athena to an undeserved fate. It's so easy to pass her off as a token villain, so it's appreciated that the protagonist at least acknowledges that she was never all that bad—right before storming her cave in the underworld and hunting her down like a trophy buck, that is.

But the movie's treatment of the source material is inconsistent. Hades was no more evil than any other god in the Greek mythos, but in Clash of the Titans he is played by Ralph Fiennes, which should pretty much indicate from the get-go that he will be the antagonist. And some things are just flat-out wrong. Poseidon is the god of the sea, people. Why is Hades delegated responsibility over the sea monster here?

Ahem, now I just sound like a geek. But just because I hem and haw over such "technical" inconsistencies doesn't mean the film is getting an undeserved panning from this critic. Clash of the Titans boasts a massive array of plot holes. The goings-on in this movie are simply illogical. At one point, Perseus dives into the sea from a collapsing tower with giant chunks of rubble falling around him. He swims after a sinking damsel in distress who had fallen from the tower 30 seconds earlier. The film then cuts to the unconscious hero and heroine washed up on an island's shore a few days later. Huzzah!

But wait…how did the damsel not die from falling a quarter mile in first place? How did neither of them get hit or crushed by the falling rubble? How did Perseus know where the damsel would be underneath the waves despite her 30-second head start? And when they wake up on the beach, how come the two begin conversing in casual tones like nothing extraordinary had just happened? I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for almost all movies, but Clash of the Titans pushes the limit for me.

And talk about cliché. It seems like in every story where a lowly hunter/farmer/fisherman becomes a legendary hero, there is a sword-training scene by a campfire, where the seasoned warrior mercilessly trains the inexperienced hero-to-be in the ways of the blade. In Clash of the Titans, they even incorporate a band of onlookers sniggering as they watch the inexperienced newcomer get schooled, and the line "You must think of the sword as an extension of your body!" Ugh, it's so been done.

Forget cliché, what about just flat out cheesy? There is a scene where Perseus is play-fighting a different foxy damsel (what a player) which ends with him pinning her down on the floor in a most suggestive way. The two linger in the awkward position for a few seconds, until she meekly pushes him away and whispers, "Calm your storm." I.e.: "Please get off of me you hunk of man; I can feel your boner through your codpiece." My friend with whom I went to see the movie tried so hard to stifle his laughter at that one, but to no avail. I can't blame him.

Look, maybe none of this sounds outright terrible to you. And you know what, maybe you're right. Clash of the Titans is not a terrible movie by any means, just an extremely mediocre one. There was just no way it could ever live up to a trailer of such epic quality. Why don't you go watch that online instead of wasting 10 dollars for the actual film itself? Oh, and while you're at it, search for "confused lamb." It is the cutest thing you will ever see in your life.

—Erik Lorenzsonn '12 is writing a bi-weekly column on movies and their meanings. He is the Arts Editor.