Humor and Satire | A tercentennial address from President Okun-Bieber

Welcome, students and faculty members, friends and family, to Vassar College's tercentennial celebration! For those of you who don't know me, my name is Alanna Okun-Bieber, Vassar College's 19th president and a member of the class of 2012. I look good for 170 years old, you say? It has absolutely nothing to do with injecting the blubber of orphaned baby seals into my cheeks, I'll tell you that much. (By the way, I'm just as confused as you all about this whole "tercentennial" business; I could have sworn it was "tricentennial," but Microsoft Office 2160 seems to believe that that is not a real word.)

I've loved Vassar from the moment I received my acceptance letter in the mail way back in high school; I'm sure you current students felt a similar thrill when the news of your admission was downloaded directly into your prefrontal cortexes. I may be getting on in years, not to mention downright disgustingly wealthy, but what everyone gathered here today shares is our love for the rose and gray. For the past three hundred years, Vassar has been our school, our family and our home, except that it's the kind of family and home that charges exorbitant fees. Those of you who have been forced to harvest your own internal organs in order to afford this stellar education, to you I say: Go big or go home!

It's been a rough century for the College. As if the switch from walking to exclusively riding around on Segways wasn't hard enough, it was revealed back in 2083 that "Matthew Vassar" was actually just the pseudonym for Butch O'Blades, an infamous 19th-century serial killer who enjoyed wearing his victims' scalps as epaulets. That little discovery, made by a certain nosy Vassar historian, was nothing short of a PR nightmare. But we characteristically rose above it, and I think we all agree that the new mascot (a gender-, race- and species-neutral entity carrying a barrel full of peace) reflects our aims much better than the old one. I don't even like to mention the turmoil that ensued following the Great Deece Riot of 2154; Building and Grounds only just managed to get the last of the Dippin' Dots out of the crown molding. Don't worry, alums, the Eggs All Day station has since been reinstated. The past few hundred years haven't all been an uphill battle; there have been moments of great levity as well. Nothing will ever top the yearlong practical joke Computing and Information Services played back in 2010—surely you all must have heard the myth of the "Student-Secure Network?" And that time just a few decades ago when the most recent Master Plan was revealed, featuring a remodeled Sunset Lake in the exact shape of a gentleman's most intimate parts. You sure got us, Planning Committee! Oh wait, none of you are present today because the administration had you all exiled to a remote island made of industrial waste off the coast of Greater Russchina. Oops. My personal favorite prank was pulled by my very own class of 2012, on the eve of our graduation. An intrepid group managed to break into Special Collections after hours and drew moustaches on every single document in permanent marker. Damages to irreplaceable historical archives: $10.6 million. Sheer hilarity: priceless.

So now we look to the future. We've accomplished so much as a college these past few centuries: A handicap-accessible teleportation pad for every dorm! A dining hall chair for every butt! An a cappella group for every student! But now the real challenge is riding that wave, as the kids say, even further. Let's all commit to making Vassar College the most inclusive, creative, intellectual, jeggings-y institution this side of the University of Venus. Nations may collapse, lesser celestial bodies may implode, thousands of cuddly little animals may go extinct, but Vassar is forever.

Again, I'd like to welcome you all to the tercentennial celebration. Here's to the next 300 years!