Summertime: the sun is out, the birds are chirping, the air is thick with humidity and opportunity for adventure. I've always found that summer is one of the best opportunities to learn lessons and discover one's true self, as it is such a free and open chunk of time. Inward reflection comes naturally for me while I float in my pool chair, armed with celeb gossip magazines, soaking up the sun a la Sheryl Crow circa 2002. My summer led to some valuable life lessons, which I'm sure will enlighten you as well.
1. Never trust a thirteen-year-old, especially when it comes to bathroom etiquette.
I worked for two weeks at an all-girls camp in the woods of northern New Hampshire. Anyone who knows me will understand that this is not the place for me; I hate children, nature and anywhere you can't access cosmetic products or reality TV. The only reason I sign on year after year is to make sure that I will have well-trained troops ready when I start my radical lesbian feminist uprising. I lived with fourteen tweens in a small decrepit cabin with bad plumbing and a family of chipmunks. The girls taught me many lessons, mostly about Justin Bieber (he is SO not cool anymore, Ke$ha rules way more, and Katy Perry is okay, too). I also learned the hard way that thirteen-year-olds do not understand how to live with a delicate plumbing system. I don't know what these girls were eating (oh wait, yes I do, low quality mass produced grilled cheeses injected with lard) but they clogged the toilets daily, and it was up to me to remedy the situation. I learned how to use a plunger. I accidently called the girls bitches a few times. I learned that it's okay to call a thirteen-year-old a bitch, because they usually are, and are too afraid to call you any names back.
2. Dildos are more popular with senior citizens than one might suspect.
Another job I took this summer was an unpaid internship at the Center For Sexual Pleasure and Health, an adult education center. I learned more than I'll ever need to know about fisting. I also learned that old people love sex toys. Little old ladies coming in to check out vibrators and chat about the hot gossip at their nursing homes entertained me daily. I can't wait to be old; apparently they're having more fun than ever. Way cooler than those thirteen-year-old bitches.
3. Tourists will buy anything.
My third job (ew, I'm like a single mom on Degrassi , gross) was working at a jewelry and accessory store that catered to the wealthy tourists who flock to Newport, Rhode Island to hang out and be rich and work on their tans and stuff. I learned that people with money will buy the most useless crud ever because they can. I also learned that I someday want to be rich, so I can buy huge sun hats, over-priced and -sized turquoise necklaces, and wallets shaped like sandwiches. I will then send the adorable local shopgirl just looking to finance her academic career to package it all up and deliver it to the nail salon across the street while I get my French Manicure on. I won't be needing a receipt, thanks.
4. All stars fade, and will be eventually out-shined by their seventeen-year-old brother.
I was way cool in high school. I totally went out to parties with older boys and drank beer and went to football games and wore T-shirts with witty little phrases on them. Coming back home this summer, though, made me realize that I am not cool anymore. I'm a big weird loser who spends her Saturday nights watching Say Yes to the Dress in a bikini eating leftover clam cakes. My little brother, on the other hand, has eclipsed my star. He's bulked up, has hot chicks over, and is good at video games. His current Facebook status is "Bluntsandbroads." He is too cool to use spaces even. He and his lax bro friends put me to shame every weekend, going to parties with kids my age and returning just in time for me to make them bacon. I've learned that I'm okay with this, because they will probably all get herpes and will forever be looking back on their glory days as high school studs. I know my glory days are still ahead: as an eighty-two-year-old woman seeking informational pamphlets on how to incorporate bondage into her sex life.