Thursday, 2/9
3 p.m. Tea. Ways to celebrate Valentine's Day at Vassar. Rose Parlor.
Friday, 2/10
9 a.m. Chinese and Japanese Cultural Day. Tokyo Express and Chan's Peking Kitchen III totally count. Aula.
3 p.m. Tea. If you see that your beloved is about to unknowingly head for a Retreat check-out line where someone is paying with a credit card, violently fling your body in front of them à la Nicolas Cage in National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. Rose Parlor.
8 p.m. Condom Couture. Marc Jacocks. Alexander Dickqueen. Vera Wang. Villard Room.
Saturday, 2/11
8 p.m. "The Vagina Monologues." "Ughh, I'm sick of them doing this event every single year. Isn't it time we thought outside the box and performed something new, something innovative, something like the Penis Dialogues?!?" "You're right, straight white boy from Westchester, you're looking super oppressed right now." Shiva.
10 p.m. Bar Mitzvah Mug Night. BYO kosher wine, absurdly large checks from unknown relatives, bacne. Mug.
10 p.m. Indecent Exposure Valentine's Day Stand-up. You definitely don't want to miss the only event this weekend where a group of women stands up one by one and discusses their lady-bits. Sanders Auditorium.
Sunday, 2/12
10 a.m. Catholic Mass. Valentine's super secret bonus: Take your hottie du jour to atone for all their sins. If you're really classy, be sure to slip them an extra communion wafer. Chapel.
Monday, 2/13
3 p.m. Tea. Invite the object of your affection to Late Night at the Lehman Loeb. Make sure their pockets are extra deep to insure maximum cheese-stealing capabilities. Rose Parlor.
5:30 p.m. Job Search Workshop. Lesson #1: Why Randy on Craigslist Doesn't Necessarily Have Your Best Interests at Heart, Even if His Lucrative Personal Massage Job Offer Seems Appealing. Faculty Commons.
7 p.m. God vs. Gay: A lecture on Homosexuality and Religion. Hot. Rocky 200.
Tuesday, 2/14
3 p.m. Tea. Go on an amorous stroll around Sunset Lake and through the Shakespeare Garden. Don't rest until you spot a pair of wompwomps doing it. Rose Parlor.
10 p.m. Trivia Night. Question #100101110: How come the gourds I bought on Halloween still haven't gone bad? Faculty Commons.
Wednesday, 2/15
3 p.m. Tea. Come up behind your loved one in the Villard Room/Mug/THs. Start bucking and swaying against their butt. Repeat until they give in and let you suck on their face. (Let's be serious this is the only one that actually has a chance of working. Who says romance at Vassar is dead?) Rose Parlor.
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