Senior Retrospective | Paul Noonan

I've learned a great deal of important and weighty things in my time at Vassar, but that's to be expected. What I find far more interesting is the astounding number of absolutely trivial facts I've learned about life, myself, living in a community and Vassar. Here are some of my favorites:

Birds will always start singing at 4 a.m. in the morning, no matter how much work you have left to do.

I can probably walk from the TAs to Main with my eyes closed, but I don't want to test it. The TA bridge is indestructible...maybe.

Somebody should wash the dishes in the sink, but not me because I didn't use any of them.

Cell phones are not allowed near Raymond Avenue when construction crews are dynamiting it.

Bacio's is the most successful thing to ever occupy that corner.
"Staying open until whenever" is a good business policy.

New England Building makes incredible noises between 5 a.m. and 6 a.m.
The golfers will insist on sharing their golf games with you at 9 a.m. on a Saturday by talking with each other very loudly outside your window.

Meteor showers are incredible. Meteor showers are more incredible when you can hear dozens of your classmates sitting on the same golf course as you—but you can't see them.
Somebody will always find a way to break the sound system at Matthew's Mug. The Mug used to have mirrored ceilings, nice decorations and a sunken floor.

If you have an afternoon to kill, going on a tour of Vassar is a baffling, enjoyable experience.

The storm drain in the Aula parking lot will collapse and form a sinkhole every year.

The TA stair platforms will collapse and form asphalt moats/ankle traps every year.

Preparing to throw a party is the quickest way to get your house clean.

Throwing a party is the quickest way for your toilet to end up in multiple pieces.

Bathroom graffiti in the Library can range from inspiring song lyrics to helpful conversations, but usually it's just drawings of penises.

Totes, belig and cray were big in '08.

When someone asks you for your ID number and says "999" for you, you won't be able to remember your ID number.

Hypermediation, globalized, neoliberal, heteronormative and most other words that will be featured in a thesis or essay title above the 100 level are not recognized by Microsoft Word.

It is possible to cite yourself in a paper: You wrote enough about the topic last semester.
Pulling an all-nighter with the rest of your class every other week is both an excellent and terrible bonding experience.

Disco fries are never the right choice (except when they are).

Moodle is an acronym for "Modular Object-Oriented Dynamic Learning Environment."

Always send duplicate jobs to VPrint.

There are secret walking trails in the forest behind Sunset Lake.

The Farm Oversight Committee is a shadowy organization that only appears when you want to throw a rave on the Farm.

The phrase "Cisco Systems Web Authentication Redirect" will be burned into your mind after one semester.

Chili Wednesday isn't always on a Wednesday.

The Retreat used to serve alcohol. There are seven hidden staircases in the Library.

For my fellow outgoing seniors, I hope this trivia brings back fond memories of some of the wonderful quirks of Vassar. For those still attending, learn these well and add your own.Use your spare time to find places on campus you never knew existed. Enjoy every square inch.

—Paul Noonan is the outgoing President of Vassar Teknowledgy.