 "Photo: N/A")
Chances are, you’re one of the 2,370 Vassar students who didn’t attend last Sunday’s Board of Trustees meeting in UpCDC. As a person who did attend the meeting, I could take this moment to chastise you all for your civic disengagement, but instead, I think I’ll just congratulate you on a decision well made. The meeting was exactly what you’d expect: approximately zero attendees seemed excited to be there, a few belligerent morons spat unintelligible questions at the guests of honor and it went on for about an hour too long. It was probably a good idea you didn’t take even a minute away from your life to attend. After all, there were Facebook statuses to update, (“OMG. RIP Patrick Swayze!!!!1”) and Blackboard posts to struggle through, (“Conrad’s Heart of Darkness engages closely with the Belgian Congo, both the idea of it and the reality of it”).
The meeting was so epically boring that even most of the Trustees didn’t show. To be fair, the eminent William Plapinger ’74 generously granted us an hour of his jet-lagged international attorney hours, and the ever-perky Sally Gordon ’82—whose resume is about as large as Russia—was kind enough to come as well. The notable absence of the remaining 34 Trustees begged two questions:
1. Who pays for William Plapinger’s plane flights from London? and,
2. If not at the meeting, where were the Trustees? Since I’m a wannabe reporter, I decided to roll up my sleeves and conduct a little investigation of my own. Here’s what I discovered:
Mary Lloyd Estrin ’66: Really wanted to keep her promise to herself that this year she would go to the gym more and set aside more “me time.” Signed up for “In The Pink” yoga, and it conflicted with the meeting.
Sally Dayton Clement ’71: The sole living human reading the Misc’s live blogging of the event.
Henry P. Johnson ’88: The Board’s youngest member was later found passed out in the attic at 44 LaGrange after an off-campus party. That’ll teach mean old Margaret Jean McKee ’51 to throw keggers for underclassmen.
Jeffrey A. Goldstein ’77: Using the same logic as an elementary school tee-ball team, volunteered to play for Rochester Institute of Technology’s very small rugby team. Lost to his own alma mater. New post-grad low point.
Geraldine Bond Laybourne ’69: In moment of karmic retribution for going to the U.S. Open instead of the meeting, found herself on the receiving end of a tennis ball to the mouth courtesy of Serena Williams. She should be happy Vassar students only use their words.
Lisa Kudrow ’85: Stayed home watching Friends reruns on DVD to nurse a massive inferiority complex brought on by her status as the Board’s second-most famous member.
Alice Pack Melly ’56: Hasn’t been seen in public since the death of the old Backpage. Fears free speech may have been squelched. Isn’t sure though, since she didn’t read the new Backpage last week.
Paula Williams Madison ’74: Had like a bazillion pages of reading to do, and like, a thousand papers to write already. OMG so stressed. Like, on what planet would she have time for a meeting?
John P. Arnhold P’07: Has withdrawn from all activities that don’t involve beer and ugly costumes since joining the frisbee team.
Meryl Streep ’71: Ashamed of recent Julie and Julia weight gain. Does butter really make everything better?
Margaret Venecek Johnson ’84: Out with a touch of H1N1. Should clear up by Saturday, which is good, because Baldwin will be closed this and every weekend.
Barbara Manfrey Vogelstein ’76: Unapologetically slept through it. Homegirl.
Lurita Alexis Doan ’79: Had a film screening: an excuse which, as we all know, can get you out of absolutely any commitment. No questions asked.
Brooke Duncan III ’74: The Powderkegs IZ BACK!!!!JAZZNIGHT! Didn’t want to miss it.
Diane Downing ’77: Totally lost it when she found out Beyonce didn’t get a callback from the Vastards, busting in on their audition process declaring, “Beyonce had one of the best auditions of all time.” Later apologized to the Vastards on her blog, stating that she felt like Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents.
So the meeting wasn’t a total success. Clearly the Vassar student body can accept that. But let us not be complacent in this time of economic and cultural doom. We’re on the edge of a precipice and if we as a student body don’t bend our sensibilities toward self-improvement now, the end is surely in sight.
As Mr. Plapinger iterated, the sustainability of Vassar as an institution hangs in the balance. But we’re not a total failure yet, so next time, VC, let’s try to summon a crowd a little larger than the average attendance at a CDO info session.
—Kelly Stout ’10 is an English major contributing this year to The Miscellany News humor page as well as other sections of the paper.
1 comments