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Humor and Satire | An average Vassar weekday schedule for eager Prospies

Humor & Satire Editor

Published: Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Updated: Wednesday, November 14, 2012 15:11

Recently, I was thinking back on my days as a prospie, choosing between Vassar, Oxford, and, let’s say, Harvard. While I found the info sessions and tours useful in making my final decision, I would have appreciated something else even more: an account of an average Vassar student’s weekday schedule. So, for the benefit of all future prospies, I made one:

9:13 a.m.: Wake up. Consider going to the gym. Consider finishing homework. Consider bathing self. Consider a whole lot of things. Fall asleep right after you turn off your alarm.

11:57 a.m.: Wake up again. You have class at noon. Sprint to Sanders Classroom while you eat the dried remains of the green tray you had sitting on your desk. As you sloppily cross the campus, you will see everyone you have ever had a crush on staring at you disparagingly. This includes kids from middle school.

12:03 p.m.: Enter class. The professor isn’t there yet because God loves you today. The only seats left are next to the class’s token heavy smokers, leg shakers, and kids who speak way too informally to the professor.

12:49 p.m.: Waking up from your daydream, you suddenly cannot remember what class you are in. You keep hearing the words “postmodern” and “liminal,” but when you look at your textbook you realize that you’re in a bio seminar. You are not affected by the tragedy of this.

1:16 p.m.: You race to The Retreat to beat out the rest of the world getting out of class at this exact moment. Too lazy to wait in line, you buy four rice puddings and feel minimal shame.

3:42 p.m.: The professor in your next class has been talking about her kids for seventeen minutes. To kill time, you begin mentally pairing up the other students in mock battles/hook-ups. Some students start to notice you staring at them. Class gets real awk real fast.

5:13 p.m.: You show up to your org activity of the day. That one really vocal member who always crosses her arms and has never actually shown up to an event is criticizing something unrelated to the org. Your friend who made you join in the first place is not at the meeting for the eighth time in a row. You weep silent tears and volunteer to make the posters.

6:30 p.m.: You think about doing homework but then remember Netflix exists.

7:45 p.m.: Oh no, oh dear God no, you forgot to get food earlier. You go to the Deece. You eat honeydew melon, turmeric, and a large uncooked portabella mushroom. As you pass by the empty food stations, you look through the back to the kitchen and see the staff eating steak and lobster on golden plates.

7:59 p.m.: You think about going to work-study. You remember that money is a thing. You go. You are immensely proud of yourself.

9:53 p.m.: Your friend texts you that there’s a thing going on tonight in a suite in Main. You somehow do a day’s worth of homework in twelve minutes. Whether or not it’s good is super debatable. If fact, you’re kind of banking on the fact that it’s debatable.

10:34 p.m.: You show up to the suite. You know no one. Everyone keeps repeating the same inside joke involving the name Dennis, so you’re pretty sure this is a sports team party, or everyone except you has gone totally freakin’ bananas. There’s a kid who keeps talking to you who you’re pretty sure was in your Freshman Writing Seminar. You do not think that is a good enough reason to keep talking to him, and you tell him that you have irritable bowel syndrome so that you can leave.

11:47 p.m.: You eat UpC ice cream and people-watch in the 24-Hour Room. You contemplate why you’ve never seen Cappy in a baseball cap. This thought consumes you until you pass out.

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