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Humor & Satire | A cigarette encyclopedia: Vassar’s smoky possibilities

Guest Columnist

Published: Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Updated: Wednesday, April 4, 2012 16:04

Now that we’re all totally ecstatic about not having plastic water bottles on campus, we’ve almost forgotten how perturbed we were by the smoking ban. Personally, I started smoking cigarettes because I wanted to impress Justin Bieber with how mature I was; yeah, I’m of legal age to purchase cigarettes, no big. But after he turned 18 (on March 1, so YES, HE IS NOW LEGAL), I had to resort to other things, such as legally driving while talking on a cellular phone in Illinois or drinking alcohol in Ontario. After finding out that every cigarette you smoke takes out 11 minutes from your life, I was concerned about my future. For every two cigarettes I smoke, I’ll potentially miss one episode of 30 Rock. What the what? And that also amounts to 11 less minutes I can spend with Justin Bieber.

But enough about me. I can’t imagine how the administration is going to “ban” smoking. It sounds like such an arduous task, as their previous implementations seemed to have failed miserably. Those minimalist “No Smoking” signs they place on the Retreat patio area just so sleek and ignorable in that 24pt Helvetica that they might be better off in the Loeb. But before the implementation of the smoking ban, let’s consider what’s really important: the diverse range of cigarettes we have here at Vassar.

Writer’s Block Cigarette

This is the most popular type of cigarette during study week. There’s nothing more soul-searching than a cigarette outside the 24-hour space, contemplating existence, considering Acrop and planning out the next few lines of your social theory paper. For some, the writer’s block cigarette is a regular staple of every-day life. For others, it’s what’s left when you run out of Crystal Palace.

The Pre-Deece Cigarette

Smoking curbs your metabolism, and the occasional before-dinner cigarette suppresses your hunger. It’s basically the missing ingredient to your stir fry. Plus, cigarettes are vegan and gluten-free, so you will have one less thing to worry about on Meatless Mondays.

The Drunken Cigarette

There are people who smoke. There are people who smoke when they black out. And I guess there are some people in between.

The Walk-to-the-THs Cigarette

The time it takes to smoke a cigarette just happens to be the same amount of time it takes to walk to the THs. That is, if you’re not too busy getting written up by Security for being belligerent, or being distracted by sophomore girls arguing over who gets to hold the Franzia.

The Self-Righteous Cigarette

Arch your back when you lean against the columns of Main Building into the perfect position of smug superiority. You smoke Parliaments or roll your own Fair Trade tobacco as a simple self-reminder of how much better you are than everyone else. No, freshman, don’t ask me for a cigarette. 

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