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Humor & Satire | A Vassar student’s totally unfabricated résumé

Humor & Satire Editor

Published: Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Updated: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 15:04

Vassar Student’s Résumé

124 Raymond Avenue, Poughkeepsie, NY 12604

vastudent@vassar.edu

845-Actually-I-don’t-have-a-phone-since-I-dropped-it-in-a-Joss-toilet-while-sexting-last-weekend

Objective

To obtain a position, in literally any field imaginable (i.e. canvassing, hedge funds, macramé), where I can make enough money not to have to move back in with my parents and their new Labradoodle, Clyde.

Experience

Media Corps LLC Express

June 2011 - August 2011

Intern

Collated; Facebooked; turned on my boss’s cell phone whenever he forgot where the power

button was located; eBayed; Facebook chatted; tried to impress the cute sales associate

two cubicles over with my working knowledge of TextTwist; faked British accent in order

to sound like my boss’s supervisor actually let him have a receptionist; fabricated re-

ceipts when the originals mysteriously vanished along with the cute sales associate; untagged

Facebook photos; I don’t actually know what “collating” is, just thought it sounded profe-

ssional.

Camp Sacajawea

June 2006 - August 2010

Counselor

Threw young children into lake.

Education

Vassar College, Poughkeepsie, NY

Class of 2012

BA in Art History, with a correlate in Econ that my Republican grandfather stipulated in his will that I get in exchange for full tuition.

GPA: 3.6, if you gloss over that Intro Chem class I took freshman year when I hadn’t yet realized going to lab is like, a thing.

Suburban High School, Suburb, MA/NY/NJ/CT/Maybe CA if you faaancy

Class of 2008

National Honor Society, school newspaper, cutting Calculus to eat burritos, grope and watch Degrassi reruns at my significant other’s house.

GPA: Weed.

References

­—My Pre-Major Advisor Whom I’ve Never Actually Met in the Flesh, Just Via Email; Professor of Political Science, Vassar College; heglickman@vassar.edu

—My Ex-Tennis Instructor Who Doesn’t Use Computers Because of Paranoia Induced By Burning Man Flashbacks; Private Coach, Pinebrook Country Club; 555-771-2019

—Myself Secretly Using My Old Email Account; Self-Employed; sandwichbutts@hotmail.com

 

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