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Humor & Satire | An Assassins rebuttal from Noyesian Liberation Front

Guest Columnist

Published: Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Updated: Wednesday, April 4, 2012 16:04

There has been a lot of outrage on campus this year, against everything from acts of sexism to that one Tuesday early in the semester when we expected it to be Tasty, but then it wasn’t. We have endlessly debated and discussed the campus climate, but seemingly with little result. Just two weeks ago, in the pages of this very godforsaken tabloid, yet another act of wanton aggression was committed against the students of this school. A recent article in The Miscellany News discussed several dorms participating in a game known as Assassins. The article named five dorms—Joss, Raymond, Lathrop, Jewett and Davison—as participants and implied that this was a new tradition in the dormal community. Yes? No. Or should we say: No, Yes. Noyes House has organized a game of Assassins every year for at least the last five years (before then is forever hidden behind the mists of time/we don’t know anyone from the Class of 2007). The article fails to mention this crucial aspect of Vassar history, which clearly manifests the ellision of marginalized voices here on campus. Some may call this hyperbolic; we demand it is merely parabolic. As diasporic Noyesians, we feel this quadrangle-normative behavior should not be tolerated at a supposedly liberal-minded institution. As a critical consciousness is instilled in us in the classroom, so too should we use it to challenge the architectural hegemony the Miscellany propagates in its pages (which happen to be rectangular. Coincidence? We think not.) Thus, Noyes has decided to follow the established campus model of conflict resolution: open war and bitter recrimination.


Noyes’ Assassins history, as with the broader Noyesian struggle it reflects, abounds with tales of cunning and couth. We have created warriors who, like Noyes’ geometric integral, knew no bounds, enacting devious murders of such artistic merit and beauty that they should be remembered in timeless artwork, hung in the Metropolitan Museum of Art next to our famed chairs. (Can any other dorms boast such noteworthy artifacts? Can ResLife promise that anything as grand will be foisted on the next year’s couchless seniors?) Noyes Assassins has indeed trained such skilled fighters as Brian Kim ’11, former philosophy student and current ninja (whereabouts unknown) who jumped off of the second floor of UpC to escape detection, and Benny Witkovsky ’12, who conducted first-hand research for his thesis on assassination by dive-bombing (read: hopping) out of a window to eliminate a target. This year’s game started two weeks from Saturday, with Dan Kessler ’14 at the helm, and is sure to put “Jewett” to shame.*


In an oft-overlooked moment in Vassar’s history, Noyes declared Independence from the College on Wednesday, April 28, 2010 in order to contest similar acts of erasure of Noyes House and its denizens. The Articles of Secession were delivered to the so-called “President of the College” Catharine Bond Hill, so-called “Dean of the College” Chris Roelke, and so-called “Secretary General of the United Nations” Ban-Ki Moon, and a revolutionary guard was established. Thus every subsequent game of Noyes Assassins, rather than mere folly, has served as training for future operations. Under Chapter 7 of the UN Charter, Noyes has the right to request international aid to defend itself against acts of aggression, and so any day you may witness Bard Pirates coming to Noyes’ aid in the recent border struggles with Cushing. So while other dorms may make overtures at understanding the consequences of political intrigue, Noyes House alone has firsthand experience.


Because of this history of independence, we both understand the Miscellany’s mistake and consider it an act of silencing. The Miscellany must stop resorting to blatant lies and rise to the lofty standard set by its clearly superior counterpart, The Chronicle. The struggles of Noyes must be included as a part of the broader campus dialogue. What corner of this campus may be left for the cornerless? We demand that dormal equality is not mere ephemera, but achievable in our lifetime! Break the Joss-Davison-Main Triple Entente! Occupy the Quad! Rock the ROC! We look forward to the upcoming CLRG Conversation Dinner on this topic.

And to the current Noyes Assassins: May the Narwhals Be Ever in Your Favor.

*Pro-tip: This Tuesday, carefully examine your Twisted Soul tea, as not all of those are bubbles. Our mole in the VSA Operations Office is constantly at work.

—The Noyesian Liberation Front is a non-hierarchical society that seeks to end all oppression everywhere, but mostly against Noyes and really just at Vassar. Its unmasked membership includes Keven Cabrera ’12, Stephanie Mischell ’12, Hannah Groch-Begley ’12 and Benny Witkovsky ’12, but the true number of its hordes may never be known.

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