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Humor & Satire | Weekly Calendar: 03/29-04/03

Humor & Satire Editor

Published: Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Updated: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 15:03

Thursday, 3/29

3 p.m. Tea. “Hey Mom and Dad, thanks for coming to Parents Weekend! I really appreciate you driving all the way from New Jersey, and also for bringing me Trader Joe’s wasabi peas and my acne medication.” Rose Parlor.

Friday, 3/30

3 p.m. Tea. “…Before I take you to a delicious and nutritious dinner at the Deece, where we’ll encounter between five and 10 people I’ve personally seen naked, there are a few things I need to tell you.” Rose Parlor.

8 p.m. “Long Day’s Journey Into Night.” More like “Long Gay’s Journey Into Night*,” amirite? Powerhouse.

*In this pornographic reimagining of a classic piece of theater, “Night” is the name of a strapping, well-oiled cabana boy.

9 p.m. “The Shape of Things.” More like “The Shape of Thongs.” Sanders Auditorium.

10 p.m. “Fat Men in Skirts.” More like “Fat Men in Skirts.” Shiva.

Saturday, 3/31

3 p.m. “Life After Vassar: History Majors Explore the World Beyond Swift.” What a fun, pithy, original title for an event! Jade Parlor.

4 p.m. “Life After Vassar: Sociology Majors Explore the World Beyond Blodgett.” Oh. Rocky 200.

9:30 p.m. 50 Nights. Which equals roughly 10 30-racks, three cases of Juniper Canyon 2007 merlot, a cadre of sophomores and 14000 repeated plays of “Call Me Maybe.” Off-campus: The Chance.

Sunday, 4/1

3 p.m. Women in Song: Vassar College Women’s Chorus Concert. Featuring male soloists, beatboxing and dresses that aren’t made of 30-some yards of highly flammable polyester fabric. JK APRIL FOOLS, SUCKAAAA. Skinner.

Monday, 4/2

3 p.m. Tea. “…First of all, I’ve decided to change my major. ‘Econ’ and ‘poli sci’ are totally worthwhile pursuits, I’m sure, but I’d really rather explore my burgeoning gift for making sculptures out of found cigarette butts. As you both know, I have a lot of feelings about the way you two used to force me to go to intramural soccer practice all those years. ” Rose Parlor.

Tuesday, 4/3

3 p.m. Tea. “…Second, I’m definitely still planning on going abroad, but doesn’t the Vassar-Wesleyan program in Madrid seem so pedestrian and riddled with white privilege to you? Of course it does. I’m currently petitioning Vassar to let me get academic credit for spending six months hiking through sub-rural Micronesia, learning local customs like basket-weaving and how to use navigational stick charts.” Rose Parlor.

10 p.m. Trivia Night. Question #Blarghenflergen: What, if any, is the motivation for attempting to get to the TAs now that the bridge is gone? Faculty Commons.

Wednesday, 4/4

3 p.m. Tea. “…Lastly, you know that gender you think I’m attracted to? Wrong.” Rose Parlor. 

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