Humor & Satire

Humor and Satire | The VC Axis of Judgement to conclude the fall semester

This semester's uber-judgmental guide to Vassar happenings.

Humor and Satire | Apocalypse Now(ish): How to know when the end is near

The apocalypse is encroaching, and here are some telltale signs of impending doom!

Humor and Satire | Mr. Bouchard’s helpful list of VC-specific pick-up lines

Greetings, romantic failure! If you’re reading this column, it means that you are either A) Desperately in need of romantic advice, B) Sexually unconfident, or C) My parents, having just discovered the Misc website.

Humor and Satire | The Misc’s tips and secrets for a frugal JYA experience

Happy December everyone! The start of December means two things: the imminent end of the world (I’m talking about finals here), and the fact that many juniors are preparing to go abroad. As our juniors finalize their plans and sophomores begin to consider their options, it’s important to note that there’s a lot to be gained from an experience abroad.

Humor and Satire | Mr. Bouchard’s guide to the world of social networking

Hello my fellow Vassarions! As the work begins to pile up, colds and flus run supreme, and friendships are brutally ripped asunder by discussions over Senior Housing, I decided that it was as good a time as any to hide from my real-world obligations and devote myself entirely to the realm of social networking. 

Humor and Satire | A VC student’s record of a Thanksgiving football game

I always forget that Thanksgiving is about more than just getting together with your semi-estranged relatives and Instagramming pictures of cranberry sauce—it is also the day of the year where I have to pretend to understand the rules of football. I had decided beforehand not watch the game this year; however, when the Patriots were up about a million to zero in the first ten minutes, I decided that was hilarious and that this game needed to be recorded, somehow. So, yeah, I watched football. And this is what happened.

Humor and Satire | An average Vassar weekday schedule for eager Prospies

Recently, I was thinking back on my days as a prospie, choosing between Vassar, Oxford, and, let’s say, Harvard. While I found the info sessions and tours useful in making my final decision, I would have appreciated something else even more: an account of an average Vassar student’s weekday schedule. So, for the benefit of all future prospies, I made one.

Humor and Satire | “As a Cappy upon a Hill”: A VC Puritan’s meditations

Now that the two most important holidays of the year thus far have passed us by (Halloween and Wait-We-Almost-Elected-Mitt-Romney Day), it is time to turn our attentions towards the home stretch. By the home stretch I mean Thanksgiving.

Humor and Satire | Socialism reigns supreme in demented new America

Minutes after his victory was officially declared across the country’s media outlets, President Barack Obama addressed the American people in a nationwide broadcast to inform them that it was finally time to annex the United States of America as the newest territory of Kenya. 

Humor and Satire | Poughkeepsie council divides Vassar into 42 voter precincts

This past Tuesday, hundreds of bewildered Vassar students were turned away at their designated Poughkeepsie voting sites.

Humor and Satire | Intrepid hero charts new world past Raymond Ave

Explorers. We read about them in our history textbooks. We use their names for our rivers, mountains, and continents. But did you know that one of them walks among us?

Humor and Satire | Introducing this season’s array of classy Vassar cocktails

Tired of the same old weekend routine of stealing your friend’s vodka and watching other people play beer pong?Here are some suggestions to mix up your binge drinking with a plethora of classy new Vassar cocktail recipes (some straight off the pages of Cappy’s Pinterest). 

Humor and Satire | Mr. Bouchard’s analysis of 2012 presidential buzzwords

Hello, fellow Vassarians! In case you were too busy playing “Madden NFL 13” or watching Glee on Hulu to be a good American, I’ve compiled (out of the bottom of my seemingly bottomless heart) a cheat-sheet list of Presidential Debate buzzwords. 

Humor and Satire | A personal rumination of The Midnight Question

It’s always on those nights when you need to be well rested for the next day of your existence that you can’t actually sleep. What to do, what to do.

Humor and Satire | The VC Axis of Judgement for 'awk-tastic' September

Humor and Satire | It’s high time to get way too thrilled about fall again!

Autumn is most definitely the best time of year at Vassar College. “But Josh, you’re not even vegan!” you say. “What do you know about the earth?” Well, you are mean and hurtful, but I will still answer your question.

Humor and Satire | Mr. Bouchard contemplates Vassar's academic prospects

I had been worried, as of late, that this would be the first fall semester on record to make it all the way to October without supplying me with a healthy dose of rage and incredulous indignation. Thankfully, tradition was upheld last week, when I first learned of Dean of the Faculty Jonathan Chenette's goals for Vassar academics.

Humor and Satire | One disgruntled ex-worker's love-letter to the UpC Cafe

Dear UpC,
On the eve of the tendering of my resignation, and the literal passing of the blender to the next generation, I’d like to remember the good old times.

Humor and Satire: A new, customized ranking system for Vassar College

Fall is slowly creeping up on us. Leaves are changing color, I’ve stopped needing to shower every other hour, and freshmen are starting to walk in groups smaller than 16. With this delightful season comes The U.S. News Report rankings of the top liberal arts colleges in the country. 

Humor and Satire: Oblivious Poughkeepsie dad mistaken for hipster guru

Arlington, NY – Local bespectacled and bearded single father of five Chuck Schmittlunk was taking his poodle-bulldog Rev. Smithers out for a stroll through Vassar campus two Saturday nights ago when he was stopped by a group of students loitering, smoking and pontificating all at once outside Olivia Josselyn Hall.

Humor and Satire: Mr. Bouchard's Discourse on Campus Renovations

A lot has changed since last spring. But nothing has changed in the way I hoped it would. Here’s what the administration should have been working on over the summer instead of these so-called “necessary renovations.”

Humor and Satire: With fond remembrance; observing the freshmen class

Recently, our campus has been infiltrated by flocks of cargo pant-wearing humanoids with white knee-high socks and senior 2012 class shirts. Some look straight out of an American Eagle catalogue while others may be a little more edgy in their Pac Sun.

Humor & Satire: Mr. Bouchard’s Guide to Graduating

As a rising junior and non-empathic sociopath, it’s difficult for me to place myself in a senior’s soon-to-be-graduating shoes. But according to the roughly eight thousand Facebook and SayAnything posts I’ve read, graduation is apparently a very emotional time.

Humor & Satire | Dr. Seuss to Mr. Vassar: Founder’s Day in verse (but crasser)

Humor & Satire | Graduating senior fortells his own grim, bleak future

I’ll let you all in on a little secret. Ever since I was just a young boy, I’ve been blessed with—nay, cursed with!—a terrible ability: the power to foretell the future from vague omens only I’m able to interpret. When I realized that in one month I would graduate from Vassar with a degree in English, an elaborate outline of the next year of my life suddenly appeared to me in the form of a collection of hastily-written diary excerpts. I figured why not allow all of you to benefit from my cursed affliction. Behold your future, future alumni. But beware—it’s bleak.

Humor & Satire | Mr. Bouchard’s guide to succeeding at room draw

“Hell hath no fury like a rising sophomore realizing he/she’s going to be in a double next year.” (Source: The Bible, probably.) That’s right, my little droogies—unless you live in Strong, worship Satan, or bribed the heck out of Chris Roellke, it’s time for the absolute worst experience of your lives. But even though there is literally no way to ensure a comfortable living situation for yourself next year short of claiming to be Cappy’s long-lost daughter/son/pet/carpet, my guide to room draw may provide your fractured morale with the Krazy Glue of hope.

Humor & Satire | This Vassar student’s superlative cover letter

A completely honest cover letter from a Vassar student, by Columnist Brittany Hunt.

Humor & Satire | A Vassar student’s totally unfabricated résumé

What the typical Vassar student's unvarnished resume looks like, courtesy of Humor & Satire Editor Alanna Okun.

Humor & Satire | A cigarette encyclopedia: Vassar’s smoky possibilities

Now that we’re all totally ecstatic about not having plastic water bottles on campus, we’ve almost forgotten how perturbed we were by the smoking ban. Personally, I started smoking cigarettes because I wanted to impress Justin Bieber with how mature I was; yeah, I’m of legal age to purchase cigarettes, no big.

Humor & Satire | An Assassins rebuttal from Noyesian Liberation Front

A recent article in The Miscellany News discussed several dorms participating in a game known as Assassins. The article named five dorms—Joss, Raymond, Lathrop, Jewett and Davison—as participants and implied that this was a new tradition in the dormal community. Yes? No. Or should we say: No, Yes. Noyes House has organized a game of Assassins every year for at least the last five years. 

Humor & Satire | The Vassar Hunger Games

Cappy has been holed up in her office for weeks, deviously smirking and wringing her hands in excitement about the imminent demise of innocent Vassar students, all to remind us that Ms. Catharine Bond Hill is in total power over our worthless lives. Still fuming from previous rebellions, Cappy and her henchmen have set up a particularly harrowing set of Hunger Games for the students this year. The planning has paid off, and 24 tributes have been chosen from student organizations to fight to the death on the quad.

Humor & Satire | Mr. Bouchard’s guide to finding your internship

Like many of my loyal readers, I too have spent the past several weeks hard at work applying to summer internships. And in the rare instances where my resume and sack of bribery cash haven’t been completely ignored, I’ve been enjoying the privilege of automated soul-crushers telling me that my skills and experience haven’t quite prepared me for the rocket-science-esque positions of “General Assistant” or “Humanoid Intern #54986.” Thankfully, just because I’m a complete failure doesn’t mean that I’ve lost the ability to tell you all how to do what I’m almost tragically incapable of doing myself! Follow my simple tips, and a high-paying internship in [insert city you find least despicable] will be yours!