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Humor & Satire | Weekly Calendar: 04/25-05/02

Humor and Satire Editor

Published: Thursday, April 26, 2012

Updated: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 18:04

<b>Thursday, 4/26</b>

3 p.m. Tea. So this is my last Calendar ever, you guys. It’s been a good run; fifty issues, fifty Production Nights, and I’ve only had to reuse jokes about Cappy’s affinity for beige like seven or eight times (see above). Rose Parlor.

7 p.m. BDSM 101. It’s just like ART 105-106, except with better lighting and less people shopping online for graduation dresses. Jade Parlor.

8 p.m. “Baltimore Waltz.” Wait, isn’t that one of the moves they’re teaching at BDSM 101? Powerhouse.

<b>Friday, 4/27</b>

3 p.m. Tea. There are still a bunch of things I don’t understand about Vassar. Like bucket lists. And intramurals. And how come so many of you insist on linking Spotify to Facebook when all it does is let the world know when your girlfriend dumped you because the only thing you’ve listened to for the past 72 hours is Jack Johnson. ALSO WHO OR WHY IS A PINTEREST AND DO I NEED SOME IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS. Rose Parlor.

6 p.m. “Hair.” Like musicals? Hate clothes? Perf. Orchard.

8 p.m. “The Seagull.” Like Chekhov? Like meditation and dancing even more? We’re in business. Kenyon Club Room.

<b>Saturday, 4/28</b>

FOUNDER’S DAY. Everywhere/but mostly Ballantine/although some of you might not make it that far (pace yourselves, amateurs)/and maybe the Orchard if you and your FWB (friend-with-benefits (pronounced “fwib” (you’re welcome))) are feeling frisky and can’t go back to either of your one-room doubles because your roommates are big dorks spending the day studying for their Intro Cog Sci finals.

<b>Sunday, 4/29</b>

THE DAY AFTER FOUNDER’S DAY. Ooof. Good thing it’s not like your thesis is due two days later or anything. Hahahahahahahaha! Fuck. Everywhere.

<b>Monday, 4/30</b>

3 p.m. Tea. As for what I’ve actually learned, it mostly boils down to the ability to identify the various submitters on VCStudentBodies, an uncanny instinct about what type of soup the Retreat will be serving every day, and a proclivity for boys who major in either drama or philosophy and closely resemble Gordo from “Lizzie McGuire.” Rose Parlor.

<b>Tuesday, 5/1</b>

3 p.m. Tea. I won’t miss Moodle posts, Shipping & Receiving, or the abundance of people interested in singing a cappella at me. I will miss living my life according to the Shuttle schedule, being able to pay for beer and breakfast bagels with VCash, Eggs All Day*, and actually kind of the a cappella. Rose Parlor.

*Which I realize is a highly doable and perhaps even preferable thing in real life too, but it’s not the same.

<b>Wednesday, 5/2</b>

3 p.m. Tea. Seniors: it’s been real. Underclassmen: find your people, make a home, and keep hosting dumb events so my Humor & Satire descendants can continue to mock them for all eternity or at least until the world ends next semester. Bye, team. Rose Parlor. 

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